Weekly Ketchup 41 - My One Regret About Growing Older

No, I'm not about to go on a ramble of insecurities, mistakes, and regrets about turning another year older in a few days, though I very well should. This past week alone, social media has brought to my attention that a couple of org-mates from college who pretty much received the same education as I did were now either teaching or being deployed to other countries. I'd be lying if I didn't say I'm just a tad envious but they got it going on and good for them! Meanwhile, I'm still crawling through, learning on the job and celebrating every little gig I get. Just today, I got to cover another baptism/birthday combo with my trusty new camera. Just a few days ago, I sent in a new article for Planet Philippines. While either doesn't really make me much money (none of what I do or try to do really does), that I get to do both, among other things, is a dream enough come true. Maybe someday whatever I do will take me places. Maybe someday I'll be so good that I'll be invited to teach. Or maybe not. But right now I'm happy that I can tell my 23-year old self that "you're doing exactly what you would imagined you would be doing ten years after college graduation - writing articles, making videos, taking photos, etc".

Boho Quiz Night. Our team, the Candlenicks, won! 
No, I'm also not about to begrudge time and nature for aging me. Yes, there is gray in my hair and my hairline has receded a bit (my bangs have all but disappeared). My face has gotten a bit gaunt, my lips thinner, and I wrinkle. I say bring it on - it means that I made it! I'm still here and I'm healthy. As unfortunate as it is, I've already outlived some friends from college. So yeah, let time do its worst! I'm prepared, though if it could do it in little increments over a long period of time, that'll be great. I don't wanna make wearing sunscreen a daily habit - something that I started doing this week. Also: If my body would just let me enjoy life without breaking down easily, that'd be great too. I'd like to enjoy more of last Wednesday's Boho Quiz Night, which was followed by an impromptu YouTube karaoke. I'd also like to get more from my day. Yesterday's Star Wars Reads at Glorietta 5, while fun, left me exhausted that I didn't have energy to go out and party some more.

Chaos at Star Wars Reads Manila
And no, this is not a spree of tired cliches and pretentious adage about what "growing up" means (because really why?) but I do want to point out some things. I am now roughly the same age when my mom had me (my dad was way older) so some things do bear thinking. Having been surrounded by families and children this entire weekend, maybe it's also a thematic question to ask: Marriage, family, and children? I guess same with success, aging, and maturity, I could care less about having any of them (Yeah, I say it now).

Here's the thing: I don't know if these things will ever be in the cards for me. I'm certainly not closed to the idea. Maybe I'll grow into the role of a family man someday but it isn't something I'm actively working towards.

Obviously because it also takes more than just my efforts.

While I think I've made peace with the various aspects of my personality so much that I feel like a complete person who can take on anything, this is the one area where I fail completely. Heck, I'm 33 and I've never even once gone on a date, flirted, hooked up, much less been in a relationship. I just never really saw myself as good enough for anyone. To be fair, people have gone up to me to make me believe otherwise but I just got creeped out most of the time. And yes I've known infatuation as well but I just dismissed at that: Infatuation. True enough, whatever it was I thought I was feeling went away as quickly as it came.

I'm obviously an incredibly strange person, which is one of two reasons I've always had in my head about why I've refused to let anyone else get intimately closer; the other being that I didn't like the idea of my life, my time especially, being intertwined with another person's (people in relationships call it "compromise"). Now I'm thinking "strange" means "interesting" and maybe "intertwining" isn't so bad after all. So if there's one thing I do regret about growing older is that I wouldn't know what it's like to be young and "in love" enough to write about it. I've let youth and beauty lapse without having lived the complete experience.

Like I mentioned in an earlier blog, it's the things I didn't get to do that I regret the most. Now having put this nugget of information out here, what next? I guess I'll let you know once I've figured it out.

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