Weekly Ketchup 19 - Do I lack ambition?

Compared to last week's grand geekstravaganza, this past week had been rather quiet, except for one Quiz Night and a couple of birthday celebrations.

Cap'n Karen celebrated her birthday at this month's Amici Quiz Night
(Photo c/o Ramon Sunico)

And once again at a party at her place last Saturday.
(Photo c/o Lynn Montejo)

My college friend Nicolai celebrated her big 3-0 at the Bowery, the Fort
(Photo c/o Andrea Roque)

Although in my case, "quiet" really hardly ever is. Neither is "alone" for that matter. I find that in those moments of solitude, which lasts from minutes to hours, that's when the voices in my head start reaching out to me.

And don't deny it - you have them too. Whether you're a geeky or creative type or both, you know they're there. Even the most pristinely ungifted among muggles have them.

Now, I don't know about you but I welcome these personas in my mind. They give me ideas. Sometimes, they offer realizations, some of which I've already shared on this blog. Most of the time, they just give me somebody to talk to.

Yes, I talk to myself. Get over it.

But sometimes, as was the case this week, they just make me question myself.

This week's final jeopardy round question was: Do I lack ambition?

Funny thing is, when one voice asks such identity-defining question, another would usually chime in with an answer. And I would have an instant fodder for a blog subject - like so. Resolutions FTW!

This time, though, I found myself grasping at straws.

I found myself thinking back to about four years ago when I was looking for a job and I kept fumbling for answers whenever my potential employers ask the question: "Where do you see yourself five years from now?"

I just imagined that if I were to face that question today, I still wouldn't know the answer. To recap, that's almost ten years in total - and that's not even counting the other times I was asked that question earlier in my career. Within that same time frame, most folks (my brother included) would want to have had a successful career or business, a family, a house, etc.

Maybe because I'm mentally stuck at 17, or maybe because I live for the moment, or maybe because I didn't experience the normal life cycle of a human being in today's structured society, but such ambitions have never once figured into any of my grand plans.

Yes, I do have them. A few years ago, I realized that what I want to do with the rest of my life is learn. There is still so much of this world I want to find the time to get into - like art and music. Does that constitute an ambition?

I'd like to think I've already set life goals - one of which to sail around the Mediterranean. Is that ambitious? What about what comes after or before?

I've always said that ultimately what I want to achieve with my life is to publish a book. Or just put out a story in one form or another. But here's thing: Whether I have a readership of one or one million, I'd be happy with just having put my work out there. That hardly counts as ambitious, does it? (And also: With the advent of ebooks, anybody can publish anything).

Right now, my career trajectory seems to be headed towards advertising, media, and production. If I could just write copy, produce ads, do the occasional photography or videography - for the rest of my life, I would be happy. I'm not in a hurry to head my own company or even my own team. Can being static be considered ambitious?

Don't get me wrong: I know my strengths. I know the extent of my own talents and my willingness to learn a new skill that I currently don't have. I know I'm a team player and self-motivated, among other things.

But why the hell can't I answer that damn question?

All of this pondering was brought about by a big looming change in my life.

Or it could it just be the heat.


Anyway, I discovered a few songs this past week, which really helped quiet these "voices" down - ironically. Yes, I know they're not really new. But that's my thing. I've established that already.